Voicemails and Soda
by Hajime Morikawa
Summary: When Fanny is absent and not answering Chad's calls, he and Nigel get soda-drunk and leave a few...entertaining messages on her voicemail. /86x274, 1x362/


**Voicemails and Soda**

Numbuh 274, also known as Chad Dixon, closed his cell phone, making sure the volume was turned all the way up before placing it face upward on his desk. He returned to his work for an entire eight minutes before snatching the phone up, flipping the lid open and viciously dialing again.

One ring…

Two rings…

Three…

Cut to voicemail.

"Hello, you've reached the Fulbright residence. We can't take your call right now; please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Bye!"

"Cell phone," muttered Numbuh 274. "I'll try the cell again."

Cut immediately to voicemail.

"You've reached Numbuh 86's mobile phone. Leave a message."

He closed the phone. No message. He never left messages unless he had a task for her, or unless he had an appointment, and today he had neither. He went back to his work, his fingers typing on the keyboard but his mind elsewhere.

Ten times he had called her. At least a dozen times, more or less (certainly not less) with no answer, no returned calls, no nothing. This was highly irregular of her, highly unlike his Head of Decommissioning and right-hand operative, Francine Fulbright, also known as Numbuh 86.

When she missed the early morning meeting, Numbuh 274 was annoyed, but willing to overlook the slight. Numbuh 86 had never been late or absent to any meeting, much less the first briefing of the day. He expected to see her in his office shortly after, with an excuse and an apology. That never came, and neither did she.

Six in the morning turned to 6:30. That's when he made the first call. Numbuh 86 was such a torrid workaholic, he expected she had gone straight to her office and had begun the day's duties. After all, he had sent her not one, not two, but _three_ e-mails packed full of details from the meeting and of the tasks he needed her to take care of today.

When he received no answer at seven, 7:30, eight and 8:30, he became aggravated. When he _still_ received no answer at nine, 9:30, 9:45, ten, 10:01, 10:15, 10:30 and 10:55, he became absolutely livid.

Numbuh 274 worked through the noon hour, canceling a lunch appointment with Numbuh 1 and foregoing even the slightest bit of sustenance. He seethed to himself in-between typing on a report and calling Numbuh 86.

Now he had progressed past the office and cell and was ringing her house number. Noon, one o'clock, 1:30, two, 2:30, three and 3:30 seemed to melt together like ice cream on a hot day.

Finally, at 3:42, his office phone rang. "Hello?" Numbuh 274 answered hastily, yanking the receiver from its cradle.

"What on _Earth_ are you doing in there?" a British-accented voice spoke. "Are you building a bomb or something?"

"I'm not in the mood for jokes, Numbuh 1."

"Huh," Numbuh 1 – also known as Nigel Uno and Commander of Sector V – replied. "You seemed like you were in a decent mood earlier this morning. What's wrong?"

"Work… as usual."

"'Work as usual,'" repeated Numbuh 1. "Did you even eat?"

"Not yet."

"I'm coming over to your office."

"No, that won't be necessary," Numbuh 274 lied. "I'm busy and I –" The door to his office swung open, revealing Numbuh 1 with a cell phone plastered to his ear. "– don't need company…" Numbuh 274 finished.

"All right," said Numbuh 1, taking a seat directly in front of Numbuh 274's desk. "What's going on here? I've never, _ever_ in my entire life, known you to forego lunch or any personal break whatsoever."

"That is absolutely not true."

"Oh? And where were you when I delivered my report last week? I daresay I remember the sound of 'Yipper' in the background."

"It was the two-hour marathon," snapped Numbuh 274. "And what's your point?"

"Wow, now you're in a foul mood all of a sudden," remarked Numbuh 1.

"I'm fine."

Nigel frowned. "Don't patronize me, Chad," he said plainly, removing his sunglasses and placing them on the desk. "I'm your best friend, and thus know you better than anyone. Now, tell me what's gotten you into such a shitty mood. Are you on a sugar rush?"

"Don't be silly," answered Numbuh 274. "It's a Tuesday."

"That hasn't mattered in the past."

"I _don't_ have a sugar rush."

"Okay, fine. Did you have a date which ended badly?"

"I haven't been on a date in months."

Numbuh 1 looked surprised. "Really?"

"Really."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Numbuh 274 snapped. "I don't have the time. I've been busy and everyone in this compound has been driving me up the wall."

"Well, whenever you feel like not being a total sap, let me know," replied Numbuh 1. "Because I'd like to go out and get a drink tonight."

"…Maybe."

"Hey," Nigel said. "Changing paces for a minute…do you know where Numbuh 86 is? I've called her a couple of times and she isn't answering."

"I don't know," muttered Chad, trying to hide his irritation.

"You really need to do something about her," added Numbuh 1. "She's systematically destroying the morale of this compound."

"…What _else_ is new?"

Numbuh 1 laughed. "Wow. That's the first time I've ever heard you say anything even remotely derogatory about our little Irish firecracker."

Numbuh 274 ignored him, brushing right past his elbow and picking up his cell phone. He dialed Numbuh 86's house one more time, slapped the phone shut and tossed it across the room. Fortunately for Numbuh 274, the phone fell with a thud to the carpet, sparing it any injuries, but at the moment he wasn't really concerned about the phone.

"Numbuh 274!" exclaimed Numbuh 1, looking over his shoulder at the phone lying on the deep blue carpet. "What's your problem?!"

"I'm just – why the hell can't anyone show up and do what they're supposed to do?!" Numbuh 274 burst out. "How bloody difficult is it to answer a freaking phone anyway?"

"You can't just – oh, wait. Oh… oh! Are you kidding me?" Numbuh 1 chuckled. "You've _got_ to be kidding me!" He began to laugh, and this just irritated Numbuh 274 all the more.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

Numbuh 1 didn't answer, he just laughed harder. And harder. And harder. And harder still. He laughed until he was pounding his fist on the desk, his eyes were running with tears and he began to choke. Sighing Numbuh 274 reached into the small refrigerator beside his desk, and took out a bottle of water.

He placed it on a coaster and taunted Numbuh 1, who was reaching for the crystal liquid. "Tell me why you're laughing and I'll give you the water."

"W-Water first," choked Numbuh 1. "Explanation soon after."

"Here, damn you!" Numbuh 274 said, pushing the bottle to Numbuh 1, who was still laughing despite Numbuh 274's angry scowl.

It took Numbuh 1 three big gulps and several small sips before the choking subsided. "Whew," he said. "Choked on my own air. That's an achievement."

"I'm waiting."

"It's Numbuh 86," Numbuh 1 said. "You're all in a tiff over Numbuh 86 not answering your phone calls, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"Okay, okay!" Numbuh 274 hissed. "I've been calling all day, ever since she missed the morning meeting and that – that _girl_ has yet to answer or return any of my calls!"

Numbuh 1 walked over to the spot where Numbuh 274's phone lay on the carpet and picked it up, laughing again once he saw Numbuh 274's call log. "Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Cell…" he rattled off. "Numbuh 86 Cell, Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Cell, Numbuh 86 Office, Numbuh 86 Cell, Numbuh 86 _Home_…"

Numbuh 274 swiveled around in his chair to face the window, mainly so he could avoid seeing the look of glee on Numbuh 1's face. But he saw it clearly reflected in the glass.

"You've made at least _twenty_ calls to this girl," Numbuh 1 said. "And at least one-third of them to her house? My, oh my…" He started to laugh again. "This is priceless."

"…You're an absolute ass, Uno."

"And _you_'ve got it bad, Chief."

Numbuh 274 turned back around. "Excuse me?"

"Numbuh 86," Numbuh 1 said. "You like her, don't you? And no, I _don't_ mean it in a platonic way."

Numbuh 274 snorted, rolling his eyes directly towards the ceiling. "Puh-lease," he griped. "What makes you think I would even think about having _those_ sorts of feelings about – about _her?_"

"Why not?"

"For starters, she's not very ladylike."

"In what way?" asked Numbuh 1, taking a seat once again.

"…I don't know how to explain it."

"You think she's ugly."

"Absolutely not! She's a pretty girl, and –"

"Ah-ha!" Numbuh 1 cried out, leveling a finger at Numbuh 274. "You admit you've seen her as more than just a subordinate!"

"I did _no_ such thing," retorted Numbuh 274; his face was beginning to grow pink. "I simply countered your claim that she was ugly."

"Fine, give me another reason why you can't be involved with Numbuh 86."

"She's a fellow operative. It's not ethical."

"_Ethical?_ Since when are you a master of ethics? Besides, that rule applies to Kids Next Door operatives only. We're in the _Teens_ Next Door, so that's a non-issue."

"Very well," Numbuh 274 said. "She's Mr. Boss's daughter."

"So? We now know that she's not like her father."

"What would people say?" Numbuh 274 was being serious; the news of the TND's Supreme Leader dating the daughter of one of their top enemies would be scandalous indeed.

"So you think she isn't good enough for you."

"No, it's not that," Numbuh 274 said, waving his hands. "But the bureaucracy –"

"– Can go to hell," replied Numbuh 1. "They don't own you, and the Chad Dixon I know marches to the beat of his own drum, not someone else's."

Chad, who was beginning to feel more than put out on the spot, walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of ice-cream soda. He brought the bottle and two short glasses to the desk, pouring a glass for himself and one for Nigel.

"Already?" said Nigel. "But it's only –" He looked at his watch. "Hell, is it 4:30 already? Cheers, then." He held his glass up, and then began sipping steadily on its contents.

"Let's say I _do_ look past the bureaucracy issue," Numbuh 274 said. "The girl hates boys, is outright arrogant and difficult to get along with."

"That's perfect," said Numbuh 1. "You'd get along _fabulously_." He took another gulp of his soda.

"I do not hate the opposite sex, I'm not arrogant and I'm certainly _not_ difficult to get along with!" Chad protested.

"You're right. This entire visit has been filled with sunshine, roses, pleasantries and Rainbow Monkeys," Nigel replied sardonically.

Numbuh 274 downed the rest of his soda in one gulp and refilled his glass. Numbuh 1, not one to be put to shame by Numbuh 274 where sugar and carbonate were concerned, followed suit.

"She's a workaholic."

"That didn't stop me and Rachel."

"She doesn't like to go out."

"How do you know? Have you asked?"

"No, but she never fraternizes with anyone else except her squad members."

They were both nearly finished with their second glasses of soda. "What else?" Numbuh 1 asked.

"She doesn't like watching cartoons."

"Change her mind."

They poured themselves another glass.

"She has that – that horrible accent…" They had both finished their glasses and were going for another round.

"Yeah," said Numbuh 1. "It _is_ pretty bad, isn't it? But you could help her get rid of it."

"I don't have the time."

"Then _make_ the time."

Numbuh 274 gritted his teeth and downed the rest of his soda. Numbuh 1 raised one eyebrow. "So that's the way it is, huh?" muttered Numbuh 1. "Bet I can down more than you."

"Doubtful," Numbuh 274 said. He was already starting to feel the buzz of the sugar and carbonate, especially since he hadn't eaten since breakfast. And that was almost twelve hours ago.

"Okay," said Numbuh 1. His speech was beginning to become slurred. "What else?"

"She doesn't have a sense of humor."

"Pshhh!" snorted Numbuh 1, flapping one hand in the air and downing his drink in the other. "Says who?"

"Says _me_," Numbuh 274 said in between gulps. "I'm around her all the time, you know."

"Then give her something to laugh about. Make her laugh."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. Moving on," said Numbuh 1. "What else?"

"She doesn't wear makeup."

"Take her to the makeup counter, then."

"I don't know anything about makeup and besides, you know how girls are. She's liable to smack me right across the face!" He emptied the last of the bottle's contents into his glass then rose to get another, but ended up pulling two out of the cabinet.

"Nice," Numbuh 1 held out his glass for Numbuh 274 to refill. "And you're probably right about the makeup thing."

"Told you so."

"That's one point out of like, a million," Numbuh 1 laughed. He fell silent for a second, before grinning mischievously. "You're right… it's probably a lost cause anyway."

"Finally," sighed Numbuh 274. "I thought you'd _never_ come around."

"Yeah… I mean, she's probably seeing someone."

Upon hearing that Numbuh 274 choked, spewing a mouthful of soda on the carpet. "Stunning," grumbled Chad, turning his nose upward at the wet spot on his carpet. "Now my office will smell like a bar."

"Bar-schmar," drawled Numbuh 1. "You should've _seen_ the look on your face!"

Numbuh 274 ignored him and poured himself another glass. By now, they were halfway done with the second bottle.

"She's a pretty girl," continued Numbuh 1. "Probably has some big, strapping Irish boyfriend… or maybe she's with Numbuh 2; he's been flirting with her since forever, and she might have finally caved in. I mean, who knows what she looks like with her hair in Cinderella's hairstyle, with a tiara, in a form-fitting dress… or in nothing at all."

"Stop that!" snapped Numbuh 274. "She's a girl, not an object!" He downed one more glass and poured another.

Numbuh 1 held his hands out, swaying back and forth, "Okay, okay. Sorry," he apologized, and finished his glass just as Numbuh 274 was pouring himself another.

By now they were both officially soda-drunk and as the liquid flowed, their tongues became looser and looser. They went through the third bottle with ease and by the time the fourth bottle was halfway empty, they were both inebriated beyond belief.

"Call her again," Numbuh 1 slurred, as he and Numbuh 274 stared down at the cell phone in Numbuh 274's hand. "Go on, it's only –" He held up his wrist to check his watch, before realizing it was the wrong wrist. "Oopsie," he said with a grin before checking the correct arm. "It's only 7:10."

Numbuh 274 fumbled with the keys, dropping the phone at least twice before finally being able to dial Numbuh 86's number.

"…Leave a message."

"Freaking answering machine," Numbuh 274 muttered in between tossing the cell phone onto the desk and slurping his newly poured drink. "I want to freaking _kill_ that thing."

Nigel took the phone and dialed. "Here, let _me_ show you how it's done."

"Whatever." Chad slurred, waving a hand drowsily in the air.

"Hello, Numbuh 86?" Numbuh 1 said after a pause.

Numbuh 274 shot upright. "Is it her? Give me the phone…"

"It's her voicemail," replied Numbuh 1. "Hey, it's Numbuh 1… where the hell have you been? We've been trying to call you all day… _especially_ Numbuh 274…"

"_Nigel!!_"

"Call back when you get this… and by the way, thanks for being a bitch and canceling my ammunition order. I just want you to know I rectified the situation. Thanks, bye."

He tossed the phone back onto the desk and poured another drink. Numbuh 274, who was on yet another soda, had gotten to the point of missing his mouth half of the time and letting the liquid dribble down his shirt. "Oops," he mumbled, looking down and laughing.

"Call her again," said Numbuh 1. "This is fun."

"Don't," warned Numbuh 274. "It's going to aggravate her."

"So?" Numbuh 1 grinned. "She's been aggravating you all day, hasn't she? Well, let's give Numbuh 86 her just desserts."

"An interesting idea," Numbuh 274 slurred. "I like it. By damn, I like it a _lot_! Give me the phone!"

He dialed again while Numbuh 1 stumbled to the cabinet to get another bottle.

"Numbuh 86," Numbuh 274 said, attempting to sound stern. "This is Numbuh Two Seven…Seventy…This is your Supreme Leader speaking; I'm _utterly_ disappointed in your failure to arrive and attend to your duties, and to your disregarding of my calls…"

"And for being a bitch!" yelled Numbuh 1 from the background.

"And for being a bitch," Numbuh 274 parroted, and then closed the phone.

Numbuh 1 was laughing so hard, he missed the glass and poured soda all over Numbuh 274's desk. "I can't believe you just called her a bitch!"

"Neither can I!" Numbuh 274 chortled. He handed the phone to Numbuh 1. "Your turn."

"Hey, Numbuh 86," said Numbuh 1. "Shrek just called; he wants his accent back!"

The calls went on well into the evening, past more and more soda. The two teenagers did everything and anything they could, from singing to reciting speeches, to Numbuh 86 impersonations.

Finally, Nigel took the game to a whole new level.

"Hey, Numbuh 86… seriously… we've enjoyed leaving these messages almost as much as you've gotten pissed off by listening to them, but to be honest… there's something you should know…" he paused momentarily, so as to make it more dramatic.

"…Numbuh 274's in love with you."

The TND's Supreme Leader, for lack of a better term, nearly wet his pants. Darting forward he grabbed the phone from Numbuh 1 and hung it up.

"What?" Numbuh 1 asked. "It was a joke!"

"I don't want her thinking I'm – I'm – _in love_ with her!" Numbuh 274 griped. "I don't even know the girl."

"Sure you do."

"No I don't."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do." Chad blinked. Nigel grinned. "_You tricked me_!"

"Into what, confessing?"

"…My God," Numbuh 274 said, after a _really_ long pause. "I'm in love with that little fool, aren't I? All of those arguments, those quips, her temper and personality…I've fallen in love with her."

"Here," Numbuh 1 said, dialing the phone. "Tell her. Tell her now."

"No!" snapped Numbuh 274, pushing the phone away.

"It's ringing!"

"Uh…" Numbuh 274 said, after the voicemail picked up. "It's me…I, ah –"

"Do it!!" Numbuh 1 yelled.

"Shut your trap!!" Numbuh 274 growled. "Sorry, that wasn't meant for you. In regards to Numbuh 1's last message, well… I…"

For some strange reason, Numbuh 274 suddenly got a burst of confidence. "I'm in love with you, Francine Sarah Fulbright. Absolutely, positively, head over heels, loop-the-loop, over the moon for you. There, I've said it and you've heard it. Goodnight." He hung up the phone, beaming triumphantly.

"Wow," Numbuh 1 said. "I said tell her how you feel, not call her up and act like a slobbering idiot."

Numbuh 274 looked around. "We should probably sober up."

"Never!" said Numbuh 1. "But we're definitely not in any shape to drive, so maybe slowing down would be a good idea."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Hey," Numbuh 1 said in a serious, yet still drunken and slurred voice. "Did you say she missed the meeting this morning?"

"…Yeah. Why?"

"It just occurred to me," Numbuh 1 said. "Numbuh 86 _never_ misses meetings. Maybe…" his face grew serious. "Maybe something's wrong."

"I doubt it." Chad dismissed. "She's ashamed of herself for being lax."

"Now wait a minute," said Nigel. "I admit; I had fun ragging on her tonight, but seriously, Numbuh 274…what if something _really_ happened to her?"

"Like what? What could possibly happen?"

"She's alone at home now, right?"

"Her father's on a business trip in Germany, her mother's working late, Numbuh 85's at Sector W HQ and Shaunie's at summer camp, so yes. Why?"

"Well…what if she fell down the stairs?"

Numbuh 274 thought for a moment. Numbuh 1 went on. "She could have slipped in the shower, and hit her –"

"Numbuh 86 is smart enough to dial 911," Numbuh 274 cut in.

"Not if she's unconscious…"

Numbuh 274 suddenly felt his heart fall through to the floor. What if Numbuh 1 was right? What if she had fallen or hurt herself, and was lying there, helpless, while he had remained pissed off all day? What if she was knocked out cold and slowly dying while they were making prank calls to her cell phone?

No. She was fine. There was no need to worry.

"I just thought of something else," Numbuh 1 said. "You know all that stuff you said before, about her being hated by practically everyone?"

"…Yeah?"

"What if she got depressed and committed suicide?"

Numbuh 274 felt his blood run cold. "No, she wouldn't do that."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know Numbuh 86."

"A minute ago, you said you didn't."

"That's not the point."

"It's one of them."

"The point _is_," stressed Numbuh 274. "She _wouldn't_ do that."

"For someone who claims they know nothing about someone, you seem to be pretty certain about that," remarked Numbuh 1. "Everyone on base hates her, she's the daughter of one of our worst enemies and she's personally overseen countless operatives being decommissioned. Nah, she doesn't have _any_ reason at all to commit suicide."

The reality of his statement hit them like a ton of bricks. They sat staring at each other for a minute or so before leaping to their feet at the same time.

"I'm going to her house," Numbuh 274 said.

"I'm coming with you."

"Wait a minute," said Numbuh 274. "Neither of us can drive. We're soda-drunk."

"Shit," said Numbuh 1. "You're right. Hang on." He pulled out his cell phone and dialed away. "Rachel?" Numbuh 1 said, "Can you – yeah, I've had a few. Okay, I'm sorry I didn't call. Look, can you come and get us? We need to – Numbuh 274. No, not to the bar, to Numbuh 86's. Yes. Yes, you heard correctly. Why?" He looked to Numbuh 274. "We think she might have…well…committed suicide – hello? Hello?"

He turned to Numbuh 274. "She hung up. Let's go out front."

"Why?"

"Because if I know Rachel, she's on her way."

It took Rachel Mackenzie, aka Numbuh 362, six minutes to get a S.C.A.M.P.E.R. ready, and she wasn't too happy at the sloppy, sad sight of Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 274 that awaited her.

"Get in," said Rachel crisply, giving her boyfriend a glare. "This had better _not_ be a joke, Nigel."

"No, seriously," Nigel hiccupped. "We think she did it."

"_Numbuh 1!!_" snapped Numbuh 274.

"Sorry, sorry," Numbuh 1 said. "But I mean, we did call her like…fifty times."

"What?" Rachel turned to Nigel, confused. "Why?"

Numbuh 1 shrugged. "To mess with her."

"What did you say, Nigel?"

"Well…" His cheeks turned pink.

"Ugly things?"

"…Sort of."

"_Really_ Ugly things?"

"…Define Really Ugly. OW!!" Numbuh 1 yelped as Numbuh 362 smacked him upside the head. Numbuh 274 remained silent in the back seat. "Nigel…" Rachel growled.

"We called her a bitch, okay?" Numbuh 1 admitted.

"Both of you?" Numbuh 362 said, looking at Numbuh 274 in the rear view mirror.

"Both of us," Numbuh 274 said ashamedly.

"For crud's sakes," said Numbuh 362, "The poor thing calls in sick with the flu and you assholes repay her by insulting her all evening. If I were her, I'd commit suicide too!"

Numbuh 274 felt like fainting. "The… the flu?"

"Called in sick?" Numbuh 1 asked.

"Where the bloody hell have you two _been?!_" Numbuh 362 blasted. "She called bright and early this morning, and said she couldn't get through to Numbuh 274's office, or yours, or mine. She said she left a message on Numbuh 274's cell phone."

Nigel turned all the way around in his seat while Chad pulled out his cell phone and checked his voicemail. For some reason, the message icon hadn't shown up. His face turned ten shades of white when the message Rachel had spoken about began to play.

"Numbuh 274, this is Numbuh 86. I have the flu and won't be in today, so as not to risk infecting anyone. I'm terribly sorry and will take care of my duties as soon as possible."

"What did it say?" Numbuh 1 asked.

"Probably the same thing I told you it would say," Numbuh 362 griped. "That she was sick and wouldn't be coming into the office today!"

"Numbuh 274?" Numbuh 1 asked. "Chad, are you all right?"

"…I'm a jackass," Numbuh 274 said solemnly. "A complete, total, and utter jackass."

"You're not the only one," Numbuh 362 said, shooting a poisonous look at Numbuh 1, who winced under the glare.

They pulled into the Fulbright residence seconds later. Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 would have been content to stay in the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., but Numbuh 362 would have none of it. She reached over, unbuckled Numbuh 1's seat belt and shoved him out onto the driveway. As he rolled and fumbled to stand up, Numbuh 362 proceeded to drag Numbuh 274 out as well.

"Go on," said Rachel. "Go check on her, and when you see she's fine, other than being ravaged by a hideous virus, apologize."

"Aren't you coming in?" Numbuh 1 asked pitifully.

"Nope," Numbuh 362 said, walking back towards the vehicle. "This is all you, boys. _All you._"

"How will we get home then?" Numbuh 1 asked.

"Call a cab," Numbuh 362 answered bluntly. She shut the door and took off, leaving Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 to stand in front of Numbuh 86's door.

"Knock," Nigel whispered.

"No, you knock," said Chad.

"No, _you_!"

"Fine, damn it!" Numbuh 274 hissed before he rapped on the door. When there was no immediate answer, he began to panic. He rapped again until he was all but banging the door down.

"Who is it?" Came a thick, but syrupy Irish-laced voice from within.

"It's, ah –"

"It's Numbuh 1!!" bellowed Nigel. "Open the door! It's freezing out here!!"

"Numbuh 1, you pitiful, miserable…" growled Numbuh 86 as she opened the door, stopping short when she saw Numbuh 274 standing there as well. "…bastard." She crossed her arms across her chest. "What do _you _want?"

Numbuh 274 felt uncomfortable, realizing this was mainly addressed to him and feeling even guiltier at the mere sight of her. The long red hair hung loose, and she was dressed in a bathrobe with a rather generous split up the side. He had to admit, she did look very attractive.

Fanny leaned forward and wrinkled her slightly-red nose. "Are you soda-drunk?"

"We, ah…" Numbuh 274 said, scratching the back of his neck. "Wanted to, um, come and check on you; I heard you were ill."

"Oh, you did, did you?" Numbuh 86 replied sarcastically. "Realized you'd filled up my voicemail box, so you came here to deliver insults in person?"

Numbuh 1 laughed and Numbuh 274 elbowed him sharply. "Fanny, I –"

"I have told you time and time again, ONLY MY FATHER CAN CALL ME THAT!!"

"Daddy's girl," Numbuh 1 mumbled, earning him another elbow to the ribs from Numbuh 274. "_Ow!_"

"I'm very sorry, Numbuh 86," Numbuh 274 apologized. "I let my anger get the better of me, and I didn't get your message until just now. What we did was pathetic, stupid and cruel."

For a moment, it seemed as though she might slam the door in their faces, but either she had a high fever or Numbuh 274's plea for forgiveness worked. She dropped her arms and opened the door.

"Get out of the night air," said Fanny. "Before you both get sick."

Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 entered the house. Fanny went into the kitchen and took two bottles of ice water from the refrigerator. "Drink this and you'll have less of a sugar rush tomorrow."

"How do you know all this?" Numbuh 1 asked.

"I was a kid once too," answered Numbuh 86. "Contrary to your beliefs, I _do_ know what a sugar rush feels like." The two boys looked to the floor, embarrassed.

"I need to call a cab," said Nigel.

"They're done for the night." Numbuh 86 said. "Stops at nine on weeknights."

Nigel frowned. "Why didn't I know that?"

"Because _your _father's not currently out of the country, and you don't have to rely on the taxi to take you where you need to go," replied Fanny.

Now Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 felt even worse. They had been so caught up in things they hadn't even noticed that there was no car parked in the driveway. Numbuh 274 especially felt like an ass, seeing he had noticed no bike or motorcycle either.

"You use the taxi now?" asked Numbuh 274.

"Only when I go off base," Numbuh 86 said.

"I see."

"I've got a spare room," she said. "One of you can sleep in the bed, and the other on the couch. I'll go get your bedding." She climbed up the staircase to retrieve the sheets, leaving Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 alone in the living room.

While she was gone, Nigel leaned over and nudged Chad. "I'll take the couch. Go up and talk to her."

"Are you _insane_, Nigel?!"

"You know very well that I am."

Chad didn't know how to answer that comment, so he just left it alone. Fanny reappeared with a pillow and a blanket, which Nigel all but snatched from her hand.

"Thank you," he said. "I think I'll go to bed now, if that's okay."

"Suit yourself." Fanny answered. "I'm going back to bed as well."

Numbuh 1 lay on the couch and pulled the covers over his head. Numbuh 86 flipped off the lights and headed back up the stairs, Numbuh 274 right behind her.

"Here's your room," she said, showing him to a normal-looking bedroom. There were two pieces of furniture, a small twin-sized bed and a dresser. "The toilet's right next door to you."

"Thanks."

She began to walk away, then stopped. She turned around. "I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Did you mean what you said?"

Numbuh 274 shook his head. "No, those were just petty insults. A poor excuse for misguided anger."

"Not that," Numbuh 86 said. "The other."

He remembered what she was talking about and honestly, he had to ask himself again, now that he was sobering up. He contemplated, and answered:

"Yes."

She nodded. "I see. Well…Goodnight."

And she flipped off his light and shut the door, leaving Numbuh 274 in the dark. There was a silence before he uttered a single word:

"_Damn!_"

**-XXX-**

The next morning, Numbuh 274 and Numbuh 1 called an early cab and quietly slipped out of Fanny's house. The last thing they wanted to do was wake her, not to mention they both had pounding headaches.

"Are you taking a holiday?" Numbuh 1 asked quietly.

"Yes. Are you?"

"Yep." The cab pulled to Nigel's house (aka Sector V Headquarters) and he got out slowly. "I'll call you later," he said, then sneezed. "Shit," Nigel lamented. "Now _I'm_ coming down with the flu." He walked through the gates, leaving Numbuh 274 alone in the cab.

Once back in his home, Chad went up to his bedroom and fell face forward onto the bed, falling asleep immediately.

**-XXX-**

Chad awoke several hours later, hot and sweaty. He took his temperature, and when the thermometer began to climb past 39.5 (in Degrees Celsius), he dropped it into the sink and went to the sofa, plopping down in front of the television.

This was exactly the fitting punishment for what he had done; he had shown no mercy to Numbuh 86 and now he was sick. The red light on his cordless was blinking, indicating he had a voicemail.

"Better see who it is," muttered Numbuh 274, pressing the 'play' button, "Although I doubt it's her, given the way I treated her."

"Hello, this is Fanny…" Numbuh 274 straightened up in his seat.

"I decided to spare you a boatload of messages, so I'll reply with one long voicemail, and try to address all of the issues presented.

"First off, I do watch cartoons; I simply don't care for Yipper like you – or most of the other boys – do. If you wish for me to watch them, then choose something with less lame dialogue.

"Second, I do have makeup, and I do wear it when I'm not running around the office or decommissioning operatives.

"Third, yes, I _am_ a bitch, although…I didn't realize I was hated by so many people. I'll – well, I'll try to change that.

"Fourth, tell Numbuh 1 to go screw himself.

"Fifth, I – I'm in love with you as well."

That was it; the message in its entirety, for she had hung up right after her confession.

Numbuh 274 sat in disbelief for a moment, and then leapt to his feet. He had a plan.

**-XXX-**

When Numbuh 86 opened her door, this time in her pajamas, she was surprised to see Numbuh 274, standing in a trench-coat, with both hands behind his back.

"May I come in?" he asked.

She moved aside, allowing him to enter. "I got your message," he said.

"…And?"

"And I decided instead of me being sick at home and you being sick at home, we should be sick together," he said, pulling one hand from behind his back and handing her a single red rose. "Sorry; I took it from the vase on the piano, but I'll give you dozens more once we get better."

"I don't know what to say…" Numbuh 86 sniffed. "I've never been given flowers before…"

"I'm going to change that." He stepped closer to her and leaned forward, intending to kiss her.

"Chad," said Numbuh 86, putting her hand up. "Wait."

"Am I being too straightforward?"

"No, I –"

"You're seeing someone."

"No, I've never dated before."

"Then what is it?"

"I – I –" she started before erupting into a loud sneeze. She grinned sheepishly. "I didn't want to sneeze on you."

Chad laughed and kissed her on the forehead. "My poor sick Fanny… err…I mean –"

"It's fine," Fanny said. "I wasn't serious about that." She eyed the hand still behind his back. "What's that?"

"Oh, this?" he asked, pulling the hand forth to reveal a handful of DVDs. "It's our entertainment for the day. Shall I?"

She nodded, and he inserted a disc into the player and sat on the couch, motioning for her to sit next to him. They cuddled up to one another underneath the blanket and spent the rest of the day watching movies…

…And sneezing on each other.

* * *

Author's Notes

I've been lurking around the _Codename: Kids Next Door_ fandom for quite a while, having recently become an avid fan of it after my family subscribed to Cartoon Network Asia a month ago. Just thought I'd try an odd pairing for my first fic.

Review if you'd like.


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